The Envious Heart

Our family just watched the documentary, "The Journey Home". This is a Christian film about a father who gives up his job to take his family out into the boondocks to live more simply and spend more time as a family. It's a really good film.

Farming becomes their life and source of income. They go from 5 kids to 11. The mom goes from curled black hair--a nice 80's style!--to lower-back length grey. Mine would no doubt be the same color without Garnier Nutrisse. Designer clothes, to blue jumpers. It's a common story these days. It seems the longer we homeschool, the more of these types of stories we hear.

It all could not be further from our suberb/neighborhood existence...where you can't even have a clothes line--against the rules!

There are so many things appealing about their story and lifestyle. Spending NO money, looks good. Needing nothing looks good. Having your children unaffected and untouched by anything inappropriate, looks good. No urban drama. Nothing but reliance on God and total discipline.

It makes me a bit envious, though I know very well that God made individuals and the two grown up individuals in this house, wouldn't last a week (or a day!). But I really find myself asking why? Why couldn't we? Why haven't we?

Really, the craving--the desire--is to be in a perceived sinless life. Never making bad choices. Never spending more than we have. Never allowing our children too much computer time... Never yelling. Always having the house in order; the meals to perfection (including healthy). Being perfect role models and having the children be little saints. Utopia. Heaven?

Doing all the things we want to do and never doing the things we don't! Of course, this is not only unrealistic, but sin filled envy in it's own right. Instead of keeping up with the Jones', it's keeping up with the Smith's--the homeschool Smith's...the homeschooling, homesteading Smith's. The "look how obedient we are to God" Smith's. Though, of course, the "Smith's" would never say that or probably even think that--I'm just saying...

There is a fine line between contentment and obedience. I know that most of the time when I am discontent, I am in disobedience. Not to the world, or any lifestyle. Not to a set of rules or laws. But to God, whom in my own personal relationship, I have not followed the Holy Spirit's leading. I'll take my eyes off the Father for an instant and the instant is a week, or longer. The damage I do in that time has consequences. Now I better understand why my parents used to ask for the Lord's return. They were always so eager for better things. I get it.

I'm so thankful that the Lord has a hold on me. He gently turns my eyes toward Him and those eyes are able to see things in a new light. They see things more for what they are. Sometimes those things are unwanted and hard to envision, but they are true because of Jesus.

I want to live each moment in truth. I want to set aside my selfish affectations and do the job He has given me for such a time as this. With that goal firmly planted in my brain, the days look easier. Without it, they look impossible. I'm tired of impossible days.

Psa 90:1-17 ESV [A Prayer of Moses, the man of God.] Lord, you have been our dwelling place in all generations. (2) Before the mountains were brought forth, or ever you had formed the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God. (3) You return man to dust and say, "Return, O children of man!" (4) For a thousand years in your sight are but as yesterday when it is past, or as a watch in the night. (5) You sweep them away as with a flood; they are like a dream, like grass that is renewed in the morning: (6) in the morning it flourishes and is renewed; in the evening it fades and withers. (7) For we are brought to an end by your anger; by your wrath we are dismayed. (8) You have set our iniquities before you, our secret sins in the light of your presence. (9) For all our days pass away under your wrath; we bring our years to an end like a sigh. (10) The years of our life are seventy, or even by reason of strength eighty; yet their span is but toil and trouble; they are soon gone, and we fly away. (11) Who considers the power of your anger, and your wrath according to the fear of you? (12) So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom. (13) Return, O LORD! How long? Have pity on your servants! (14) Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days. (15) Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, and for as many years as we have seen evil. (16) Let your work be shown to your servants, and your glorious power to their children. (17) Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us, and establish the work of our hands upon us; yes, establish the work of our hands!